Moving
to Love in Prison
Typically,
an afternoon with the inmate community begins with a discussion
of the issues on their minds at the time. Often there are fights,
gossip and hard feelings among the women.> Sometimes there
is a general atmosphere of malaise. Here is where Practice 3
is useful. I ask them what are the deep needs of their hearts?
Frequently
the women will begin to cry; they will express their fear, anger,
frustration, and pain. When I validate their needs, I employ
Practice 4. I will say, "So you are feeling frustrated
because (and here you acknowledge their personal need) you are
needing sharing and connection with people."
Usually
I will hear "Yes, that's exactly what I want," or
"Well, I need to know that someone is listening when I
say something." It's not important to be perfectly accurate
about the other person's need; it's more important to acknowledge
it.
If
you aren't quite correct, the person will find it for herself.
Once her emotions are expressed and you demonstrate understanding
and compassion by acknowledging her need, there is room to explore
Practice 5, celebrating the return to the heart.
We
then talk about loving things. I will ask the women, "How
are you supporting yourselves and others in your living module?
What do you appreciate about yourselves and others?" Once
we start talking about support and appreciation, the humor,
tenderness and gratitude revitalize everyone.
Despite
the difficulties of life in confinement and their guilt or shame
over their transgressions, I never had a meeting with the inmates
where we didn't laugh. In the laughter, the loving comes beautifully
present, and in the loving, they begin to see new possibilities
for themselves.
At
one session with the prisoners I asked them about the best experience
of their lives. One woman shared that being in jail was one
of the best because, for the first time, she had the chance
to think about things and change her life. The room was silent
as the impact of that woman's statement sunk in. Some people
who had been cursing their experience in prison began to look
at it as an opportunity. I felt very blessed to be a witness
to her profound expressions of awareness.
Every
afternoon I spend with these women, there are conflicts within
people and between people when I walk in; and, always, there
is love and support when I walk out. They convert the conflicts
to loving by these simple practices: intention, attitude of
opportunity, awareness of needs, understanding and compassion,
then celebration.
Moving
to Love in Everyday Life
How
can you move from conflict to loving in your own life? How can
you use the five practices, whether you are experiencing a small
conflict or an ongoing disagreement?
Let's
look first at a minor conflict. Suppose, for example, someone
nearby is speaking loudly on his cell phone and you feel yourself
getting annoyed.
First,
remember that you've set an intention to "dwell in love"
that day. Having done so will strengthen your ability for acceptance
and tolerance.
When
you notice yourself starting to feel irritated, try to catch
yourself immediately. Take a breath and reconnect with the center
of loving within you. You might not find the irritation diminishes
instantly, but if you do, go directly to Practice 5 and celebrate
your return to loving. If the irritation is still present, connecting
with your heart will remind you that it is your intention to
be loving, and will set the ground for finding out what need
of yours is not being met.
Ask
yourself: What need to I have that isn't being met by having
to listen to this person's conversation? Then listen. Sometimes
the inner voice is quiet, so you need to listen carefully. As
you practice listening, hearing your inner voice will come more
easily.
You
might hear yourself say, "I can't hear myself think with
this person on the phone. My need is for peace and quiet right
now." Or, "My need is for peace and quiet right now."
Or, "My need is for thoughtfulness and consideration."
Then
validate your need (Practice 4), with understanding and compassion
for yourself. You might say to yourself, "I am really wanting
thoughtfulness and consideration because that is a standard
I want to live up to." You will feel yourself relax once
you have validated what is important to you and in the relaxation
and peace comes the acceptance. I think you will then find that
the cell phone user will not be as bothersome to you.
You
can practice these techniques with any minor irritation or conflict.
In any case, it is probably not necessary to say anything to
the cell phone user. If you felt that it was important for you
to express your concern with him, you would use the same steps,
just add a request to the person involved. Tell him how you
are feeling, what you need, and make a request for his cooperation.
After
he completes his call and before he makes another, you would
say something like: "Excuse me, could I talk to you a moment?
I can't avoid hearing you on your cell phone, and I am starting
to feel irritated because I really need some peace and quiet
at the moment, so I was wondering if you would be willing to
take your calls outside."
Wow,
that takes some courage, doesn't it? The person may not change
his behavior, and you should be prepared for that outcome. However,
you have validated your need, made your request and just in
that process, have moved more into your loving. And it is loving
to share your feelings and needs with another. It is quite possible
that the other person is unaware of the effect his conduct is
having on you. He may genuinely want to be considerate of others,
so by expressing yourself you may be providing an opportunity
for him to be more of who he wants to be.
But
what about the larger, ongoing conflicts? Suppose, for example,
your partner has been spending lots of time at work and you
feel that she is not devoting enough time to you and the kids.
The practices are the same.
First,
set your intention that loving will be the foundation of resolving
this conflict. Second, connect with your heart so that you are
coming from the wisdom, gentleness, and goodness of who you
are. Thirdly, ask yourself what your needs are in this situation.
Perhaps the need is to know that you are loved and cared for
and her absence promotes feelings that she doesn't care about
you. Maybe you need more support with your share of family responsibilities.
Fourth, give yourself understanding and compassion for those
needs. Share your feelings, needs and requests with your partner.
In
the case of a repeated, long-term conflict, ask her what her
needs are that are keeping her away from home. Perhaps she has
a strong need for security, so she ends up working a lot to
fulfil this. When you know what is operating beneath the surface,
you can discuss strategies so both of you can have your needs
met. You will find that sharing openly and honestly about the
needs that make you unique will open your hearts to each other,
bring you closer and deepen the loving between you, even if
you don't come to a final resolution. Finally, celebrate the
awareness, sharing and joy that loving communication, validation
and acknowledgment bring.
Managing
Triggers
Another
way to grow in the practice of loving in conflict is to become
aware of these situations that are triggers for you; that is,
those circumstances under which you find it most difficult to
be loving. Do you find you easily become agitated in traffic?
Is there one person who seems to bug you whenever you see him?
Do you feel impatient waiting in lines? When you know your triggers,
you can anticipate them, practice loving ahead of time and more
easily stay in peace before the conflict begins.
I
am still working on patience, so I get a lot of opportunity
to practice loving: waiting in lines at the bank, at the Post
Office, checkout lanes at grocery store ...Because I know this,
whenever I see a line ahead of me I say to myself, "Another
opportunity to practice loving!" Once again, I put my hand
on my heart; I say to myself "When I dwell in love, I dwell
in God." I ask myself, "What need is not being met
when I am waiting in lines?"
Invariably
the answer is, "the need to be productive." By acknowledging
and deeply listening to my inner need in that situation I am
validating myself; my inner conflict between wanting to go on
to something more productive and having to finish my task at
hand, is resolved inside of me. Then I can really use my waiting
in line time to foster an even greater experience of well-being,
by connecting with others and enjoying the day.
So,
when someone is behaving in a way that irritates you, listen
deeply to your inner needs and validate them. Then listen deeply
to the needs of others. When someone is expressing anger, show
him understanding and compassion and, just like your own inner
process and practice, he will be validated and heard and (in
most cases) move back into his peace and loving.
It
is simple to move out of conflict, but it takes dedication and
commitment. Life seems to give us so many opportunities to practice.
There's never a dull moment on the path of loving. Every time
you move out of conflict to loving you will get better and faster
at it. Oddly enough, conflict can make you a more loving person.
As
you consciously practice loving as an everyday, practical approach
to life, you become conscious of the miraculous, which continually
brings a sense of awe and gratitude.
Loving
blesses everyone and you can find yourself gently flowing from
conflict to loving, you realise that more and more in your life
you are "dwelling in God."
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